


As I Ever Was And Ever Shall Be, Yours

by louisianaspell



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Character Death, Child Death, F/M, Female Reader, Gun Violence, Historical Inaccuracy, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mentions of Injuries, Mentions of alcoholism, Reader-Insert, historical religious persecution, like so many historical inaccuracies, mentions of cheating, mentions of domestic and emotional abuse, mentions of torture, non Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:54:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21753451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louisianaspell/pseuds/louisianaspell
Summary: Steve remembers moments from the past lives he spent with you
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Reader, Steve Rogers/You
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	As I Ever Was And Ever Shall Be, Yours

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if I missed anything that needs a warning or to be tagged! Edit: I forgot to mention that this was inspired by a Rudy Francisco poem/performance, you can watch it **HERE**

Steve doesn’t think he’s ever been so nervous in his life and he’s fought against aliens, nazis, and everything in between. He tried practicing what he was going to say to you, Sam was still making fun of him after Sam caught him practicing in front of his mirror. He wishes his friends knew how to knock and weren’t such jerks. 

After that embarrassment, all he was able to come up with was a simple “hi.” There’s just so much he wants to say to you, but whenever he’s standing in front of you words fail him. He doesn’t know how to explain that he became a regular at your coffee shop just because of you. How one morning after his run he saw you through the coffee shop window as he passed by and wanted to know what your voice sounded like, he was dying to know if after all these years and lifetimes would it still sound the same? Would you recognize his voice? He’s been unable to forget your voice since it tends to haunt his dreams. How exactly does he explain all that without sounding like an insane stalker?

Shit.

Steve’s next in line and he’s having a small panic attack, he doesn’t drink this fancy coffee, so he has no idea what to order or what the hell a macchiato is. The woman in front of him steps to side leaving Steve to face you. His mind goes completely blank as you smile and ask what he’d like to order. God how he’s missed your smile. He stutters and trips over words as he orders whatever the hell that macchiato thing is. Your fingers brush against his has he hands you money, his heart swells when they brush again when you smile and hand him his change, which he places in your tip jar.

When he finally gets his drink, he sits at a table that gives him a perfect view of you at the counter without it being too obvious that he’s staring. There is something in your smile that reminds him of the earliest memory of having to say goodbye to you. His eyes begin to tear up as the memory plays in his head.

Steve, he knows that wasn’t his name back then but you’ve both had so many names over the years and details like names are easily lost to time, there was nothing he loved more than waking up with his large body cradling yours. It always seemed like you were born with the heat of the desert sun and sand embedded in your skin and being next to you was the only way for Steve to keep the cold from seeping into his bones. 

_He places one his large calloused hands on your pregnant belly, Steve smiled when he felt the baby kick against his hand. “He’ll be a strong warrior one day and stories will be told about him.” Steve thought, he knows there is a chance you’re carrying a girl but he can’t help but hope that it’s a boy. He knows life doesn’t get much better than this, he doesn’t need riches or glory when he has you, heavy with his child, by his side._

_Later that morning, tearful goodbyes are said at the dock as the men boarded the boats for a raid, Steve hates that he has to leave you but he swore to Bucky that he would go with him. He rubbed your belly, giving it a kiss and telling his son to wait until he returns before he’s born. Steve looks up at you, there is a smile on your face and tears in your eyes, this is going to be his first raid away from you. He stands up, passionately kissing you before promising to come home as soon as he can._

_It is several moons before Steve returns home, you never came to the dock to greet him but he’s not worried, he figures either the baby is close to coming or has already been born. Either way, he’s too excited about being home to be angry with you for not welcoming him. The house is cold and empty, almost like it has been abandoned. Steve searches the surrounding area for you, all he is met with is an eerie silence. The garden that you were once so proud of is now overrun with weeds. Steve doesn’t understand._

_His heart is torn from his body when he finally learns of not only your death, but the death of his son as well. The grief was driving him mad, he saw your face everywhere he turned. Steve still felt you next to him in bed, the warmth of your body pressed against his. There were even days where he heard the cries of his child and you singing sweet lullabies to comfort him._

_There are whispers among his friends and people in the village of Steve’s downward spiral into the darkness of his grief. Ale and wine are now his constant companions, there are days when he drinks to forget his pain and days where he drinks to see you again and to hear your voice, they only things that allow him a moment of peace. ___

____

__

_Unable to standby and watch Steve inch closer to the crumbling edge of his sanity, it is on a rare day when Steve is sober that Bucky drags his friend to the Seer and forces Steve inside the dwelling. The seer’s cabin is smokey and dark with the strong scent of herbs and wet earth in the air, bones and various talismans hang from the ceiling. Steve takes a seat beside the fire pit in the center of the room, the old blind man dressed in a tattered black cloak that covers most of his face steps out of the shadows and quietly sits across from him._

_“What do you wish to know?” The old man asks._

_“I want to know why the gods have taken my family from me. I have done everything expected of me, I have honored the gods my whole life and this is what I get in return?! Why?”_

_“It is not for us to question the will of the gods.”_

_Steve shakes his head and scoffs, “so I should sit back and watch them take everything away from me? And what give offerings to them thanking them?”_

_“You should. You will see her again…”_

_“If you are going to tell me I will see her in Hel, I swear I will cut you open like a fish.” Steve pulls out a blade and points it at the Seer._

_“You are impatient,” he shakes his head. “I now see why the gods have put you on this path. You have seen her many times before, and will see her again many times. You will find and lose each other. An endless cycle of love and loss, life and death.”_

_After his visit to the Seer, Steve becomes reckless. He is the first man to charge into battles and he fights like a man possessed, while those around him are fighting for glory and their place in Valhalla, Steve fights to see the love of his life again. It comes as a relief when he finally falls in battle, he lies on the blood soaked field and finally gives thanks to the gods when he sees you smiling down at him, reaching out for him to follow you into the next life._

The memory is too painful, the fear and heartbreak flooding his senses and he feels like the wounds of losing you beginning to rip open again. It is too much for Steve to handle, he rushes out of the cafe not wanting the other customers to see Captain America have a breakdown in a coffee shop. 

Since being Captain America doesn’t exactly come with a normal 9-5 schedule, it’s several weeks before Steve has the chance to stop by the cafe, part of him couldn’t help but wonder if you noticed his absence. The last couple of weeks were spent with Sam in a cramped roach infested apartment running surveillance on a possible active Hydra cell. When he’s finally back in town and able to spend some time away from his duties, he notices how sickly you look. A light sheen of sweat covers your forehead despite it being cold in the shop, Steve finally overhears your coworkers trying to convince you to go home early, reassuring you that they’ll cover your shift.

“I guess you guys are right, I’m gonna go home and sleep. Hopefully some rest and a ton of cold medicine will get rid of this plague.” You joke in between hacking coughs.

Steve winces at your comment. He remembers the outbreak of the Black Death and all the misery that followed in its wake.

_As soon as members of your village started dying of the plague, there was a voice inside of Steve telling him to get out before it was too late. It was rare that you stayed in one place too long, but no matter how far you traveled it always seemed like everywhere you turned the Black Death was already waiting for you and it was only a matter of time before you would once again be ripped away from one another._

_You had barely settled in some tiny village that appeared to be untouched by the tragedy that seemed to blanket everywhere else when Steve began to get sick. He tried to hide it from you, but the disease worked quickly and soon it became clear that it was his turn to leave you behind to mourn._

_Steve was rotting away on his deathbed, trying his best to convince you to leave him before you too fell victim to this wretched disease, but you were too stubborn and Steve was far too weak to force you out. As miserable as Steve’s final days were, he can’t help but be thankful that you stayed by his side comforting him. In between his fever dreams he remembers thinking that it was a divine miracle that the plague left you untouched, your skin was still as soft and beautiful as the first time he met you all those lifetimes ago._

_His final thoughts are of you and how he hopes that you’re able to live a long and happy life without him. Steve promises to wait for you in the next life, a tearful smile graced your beautiful face and he feels your soft lips on his cheek as he took his final breath._

Steve times his exit perfectly, he’s there to hold the door open for you and you give him a smile that he’s been waiting for over 70 years to see and to be this close to you again. It doesn’t matter that you’re sick and running a fever, you’re still the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. You say a quiet and polite thank you and Steve suddenly feels like he’s that little skinny guy you met back in the 30s all over again.

Months have passed and you and Steve are on friendly terms, you’ve graduated from the basic small talk of weather and whatnot to actual conversations where you both learned something about each other. Steve learned about your hatred for applesauce, which admittedly disappointed him since he remembers back in the day, you making the best applesauce he’s ever had and practically living off of it when his mother got sick. He’s tried countless times to recreate it, but he’s never able to get it to taste right.

Steve’s at his usual table, sipping on the drink you created when he told you to surprise him, admittedly it’s a bit too sweet for his taste but you've always had a sweet tooth, and lazily sketching in an old sketchbook he found. He sketches other customers who are taking advantage of it being Halloween, he’s seen a few small kids come in with their parents dressed like him or one of the other Avengers. He smiles when a little boy that dressed up as Bucky, complete with a black and gold arm, come into the shop, Steve makes sure to take a photo with the boy and his parents so he can show Bucky.

It’s almost time for your shift to end, not that Steve is keeping track of your schedule or anything. He just enjoys the fact that since you’ve become friends, you sit with him for awhile after you get off work. Your laughter pulls his attention away from his sketch, Steve watches you laugh with a man dressed as a zombie in a priest costume.

_Steve hated being in these cramped hideouts, there was barely enough room for him so he was thankful that the other priest he was traveling with had gone to a different home nearby. A major downside to being alone while hiding were the long hours of being completely alone, loneliness paired with the fear of being arrested and executed was never an ideal combination. Luckily for Steve there was someone who kept the fear at bay and banished the loneliness, you._

_During the long lonely hours he spent locked away in a secret room gave him time to reflect upon his relationship with you. Never before had he met someone that made him question the path he was on, the time he spent with you was like finding out the existence of a new world, one filled with promise and hope for a better life. It wasn’t the threat of execution that made Steve leave the priesthood, it was the realization that he couldn’t imagine his life without you._

_It’s in the dead of night when you and Steve leave the only safe place you had ever known. A few towns over is where Steve marries you and you were able to carve out a simple life together. Life without the constant threat of being hanged, drawn, and quartered looming over him was better than he could have ever hoped for._

_< >Several years pass by and his life as a priest is long forgotten, there are days where it feels like it was an entirely different person traveling the countryside holding secret masses and hiding in cramped spaces. Steve felt like a new man, one with a quiet but very happy life with you and several children. He feels blessed every morning that he wakes up with you beside him or when he watches his children help you care for the garden. While he had come to the realization that the priesthood was no longer for him, his beliefs never wavered which was why he agreed to give a friend’s family member their last rites. Little did he know that the man he had considered his friend had betrayed him. Steve knows that his fate is sealed when he is arrested on his way home and taken to Tyburn. _

_Steve can only think of you and the children as they place the noose around his neck._

——  
While on an early morning run in the park with Sam and Bucky, he sees you sitting on a bench with a book in hand and a dog sitting at your feet. At first he wasn’t planning on stopping, but he’s magnetically drawn to where you’re sitting. 

It is a strange feeling seeing you outside of the coffee shop, Steve knows he should be used to it by now, especially since being alone with each other is something the two of you have done countless times over the course of thousands of lifetimes, but he still finds himself getting flustered and nervous around you. He’s thankful that Sam and Bucky are occupied with your dog to notice the blush in his cheeks or the way he trips over his words as he tries to carry on a conversation.

He manages to stumble through asking you out on a date before Sam and Bucky rejoin the conversation. Steve can’t help but watch Bucky’s reaction to you, he searches his friend’s face for any glimmer of recognition as you tell them all about your dog, Medusa. He swear he can see the faintest of sparks lights up Bucky’s eyes as you enthusiastically rant about your dog’s namesake and why Medusa deserves better. 

They watch as you and Medusa disappear into the park as they make their way back home, both Sam and Bucky are quick to tease Steve about his interactions with you, apparently they weren’t as occupied with your dog as he originally thought. 

_It was easily the coldest day of the year, Steve was bundled in what felt like every piece of clothing he owned and yet he was still freezing. The heating in his apartment was once again broken and their cheap landlord was taking his sweet time having it fixed. Once again Bucky and his family had come to the rescue letting Steve stay at their place until the heat was fixed, he hated leaving his mom to suffer in the cold apartment by herself, but since she was picking up more shifts in the tuberculosis ward she said she wouldn’t be home anyway._

_He was sitting by Bucky’s bedroom window, watching the freshly fallen snow blanket the world outside, everything looked so calm and peaceful. He cocoons himself in the blanket from his makeshift bed on Bucky’s floor and wistfully stares out the window across the courtyard from Bucky’s apartment. He knows it isn’t proper to be staring into a young lady’s bedroom window, but it’s you, his other half. Also, it’s not like he’s watching you while you dress, absolutely not, you're just sitting at your vanity applying your crimson lipstick._

_He had no doubt that you were going to brave the weather and go dancing, you had far more in common with Bucky than you did Steve and he’d be lying if he said that didn’t worry him. There were days that he swore he would catch you guys staring lovingly at one another, it was bad enough seeing you married to someone else in a past life, even if you didn’t love him, but seeing you in love with his best friend would be torture but then he remembers what he did to Wesley and knows that on some cosmic level he deserves it. The silence in the room is disturbed as Bucky bursts through the door, with his skin a rosy tint from the cold air and hair wet with melting snow._

_“Get dressed, we’re going out.” He says as he changes out of his work clothes and into something more appropriate for whatever it is he has planned._

_“You’re joking, right? It’s freezing out there, I’m not going out in that just be a third wheel on your date.”_

_“Don’t say that, so the last couple of dames I’ve set you up with were duds. I promise this time is gonna be different, plus I have a surprise for you.”_

_With a heavy sigh and an eye roll, Steve starts to get ready for whatever disastrous date Bucky has planned for him._

_Because of the weather, it took the two men longer than normal to reach the dance hall. He watched as Bucky waved to a girl waiting by the entrance of the hall, Steve nervously pushed the hair out of his face as they approached the door, he knew how this night was going to go. Bucky would go off with whatever girl he was chasing after this week, and the friend she brought along for Steve would ignore him before finding a more suitable dance partner. A petite red-headed girl nervously stands in front of the venue, before she could explain the absence of her friend Steve hears a familiar voice calling out to them over his shoulder. He turns around to see you trying your best to quickly make your way over to them while trying not to slip on the ice. As it happens each time that he sees you, Steve is completely speechless._

_Steve turns to look at Bucky, for the first time in their life, Bucky is nervous around a girl. Steve sees how Bucky nervously fixes his tie or runs his hand through his hair as you approach. There’s a smile and a look in his eye that Steve has never seen before but at the same time is all too familiar with, but he knows it’s the same one that he gets whenever he sees you. His best friend is in love._

_He silently watches Bucky walk up to you and takes your hand in his, with a sigh of defeat he turns his attention to the girl with the red hair standing beside him. She gives him a shy smile and introduces herself as Dolly, she was kind and unlike the girls Bucky usually tried setting him up with, Dolly actually seemed to genuinely be interested in Steve and wanted to spend time with him. As kind as Dolly seemed, it was hard for him to pay attention to her as you laugh and smile while Bucky spins you around the dance floor._

_“She’s the one, Stevie. I can feel it.” Bucky tells him when they get home._

_All Steve can manage in response is a smile, he’s too afraid of what he would say if he opens his mouth. He knows deserves this, this life and this frail body is his punishment for past sins._

For the first time Steve decided to take the day off, there was no mission and he woke up without the need to train or go for a morning run. He sent a text to Sam and Bucky letting them know he wasn’t going on a run today before going back to sleep for a few more hours.

Steve spends the rest of his free day walking around the city taking in the sights that he’s taken for granted since coming out of the ice. Towards the end of his walk through a random park, he sees a group of women setting up a photo shoot, which itself is not a rare sight in the city or the park. What caught Steve’s eye were the elaborate 18th century style gowns and hairstyles each member of the group was wearing. It’s been several lifetimes since he’s been around women dressed like that, Steve finds that he can barely stomach it. As beautiful as the women look, he can’t help the feeling of a knife twisting in his chest as he watches them pose for the photographer. 

_Steve was really starting to hate this life, you were so close to him and still so far away. It didn’t help matters that he had to listen to your husband, Wesley, talk about his mistress and complain about you while Steve helped him dress every morning or when he had to make arrangements for Wesley to see his mistress while they were in the capital on “business.” Too many times has Steve overheard your lady maid gossiping with the other maids about the cruel things Wesley says and does to you when he’s been drinking. Each day that Steve sees you its becoming harder and harder for him not to beg you to run away with him and how even if he cannot give you the life that Wesley can, but at least he would be devoted to only you and never hurt you. He wishes he could tell you those things, but that is not the type of relationship you have with Steve in this life and it absolutely kills him._

_It was official. Steve hates this life, he wants to set the whole world on fire. He comes to that realization as he stands over your dead body in Wesley’s study, trying his best to hold back his own rage and tears. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end, how could you die before knowing how Steve loved you and that you were soulmates. Why would the gods be so cruel?_

_There was no doubt in any of the servants minds that Wesley, in one of his drunken rages, had once again taken his aggression out on you, Steve and the others could clearly see the bruises and cuts on your battered face, and it was hard to miss the bruises on your delicate neck caused by Wesley’s hands as he squeezed the life out of you. The man responsible, your “beloved” husband, is passed out on a sofa, blissfully ignorant to the cries and hysterics of the parlor maid who discovered the heartbreaking scene. Once Steve alone in the room, several footmen carrying Wesley to his bedroom and the young maid taken down to her quarters, he sat beside you holding your cold hand in his, he gave into the heartbreak and cried. In between his broken sobs, his tears falling on your silk gown, he mumbled apologies for not doing enough to save you from Wesley and how he should have protected you because you deserved so much better. He says his goodbyes to you and kisses the back of your hand._

_Once again the grief caused by losing you has consumed Steve, he no longer cares what happens to him because this life has no meaning without you in it. Thanks to his many years with Wesley, Steve is able to sneak into Wesley’s room undetected, he knows what he is about to do will no doubt have repercussions in another life but he cannot let the man responsible for your death continue to walk this earth. As the rage inside of him burns, it feels like the great fire of London burning inside his chest, he watches Wesley peacefully and drunkenly snoring away while your body lies on the cold floor of his study, he wishes he could make the man suffer a slow and painful death. He vividly remembers the methods that were used on him when he was interrogated as a priest, but unfortunately for Steve he doesn’t have time for that. Instead, he takes the loaded pistol he took from Wesley’s study, places the muzzle against the man’s temple and pulls the trigger._

_As far as Steve was concerned, his life ended the night yours did and not a day goes by that he doesn’t think of you. All the warmth and love that lived inside of his soul is now an empty dark void. He finds that he can no longer stand to be in England, there is too much pain and guilt._

_There are rumors of a war brewing in the colonies and if there is one thing Steve is good at after all these lifetimes, it’s dying in battle. He soon finds himself enlisted in the army and on a ship watching the coast of England disappear into the horizon as he sails toward what he hopes will be the end of this miserable life._

The further into the Met you walked, the more nervous Steve became and he was glad that he was able to pass it off as first date jitters and maybe part of it was, but he knew the true reason was lurking beneath the surface and he just wasn’t ready to face it just yet, Steve wanted to pretend for a little while longer that this was just a normal first date with the beautiful girl from the coffee shop.

Slowly you worked your way towards the European Painting wing, specifically gallery 629, the closer you got the faster Steve could feel his heart beating inside of his chest. This wasn’t going to be Steve’s first visit to this particular wing of the museum, he had discovered it not long after he was rescued from the ice, he found comfort in familiar places whenever he felt overwhelmed by the new world around him. It was on one of these visits that he found himself staring at the face that he sees most nights in his dreams, he would often sit on the bench in front of the portrait unsure if the tears that threatened to fall from a renewed sense of grief as he looks upon the woman he failed to protect or happiness at being reminded you’re out there and he’ll find you again.

He takes a deep breath as you walk into the gallery, slowly taking your time studying all of the artwork. For a moment he forgets about the portrait hanging behind you and just admires the serene look on your face, maybe this was a good idea for a date. Through your many conversations, Steve had learned about your casual interest in history, you said that you felt a pull to the past that you could never properly explain. It’s a pull that Steve is all too familiar with, it’s your past lives calling out to you, begging to be remembered.

You’re silent as you stand in front of the portrait of your former self, he watches out of the corner of his eye for any reaction. Steve silently watches as you wipe away the tears that have started to fall, he leads to you the bench that sits across from the portrait. Neither one of you speaks for several minutes, Steve wanting to give you time to process what was happening and you weren’t sure what was going on.

“My head hurts,” you tell him, rubbing your temples

“Yea, that happens when you remember.” 

There’s a silence that settles between yours you quietly sit on the bench, only the whispers of the other museum goers fills the air. Steve wants to give you time to process everything, he knows that’s it’s a lot to take in and remember. 

“How long has it been?” You finally ask

“Since that portrait? Or since we’ve been together?”

“I vaguely remember sitting for that,” you gesture towards your portrait, the one Wesley commissioned after your wedding. “Since we’ve been together.”

Steve thinks for a moment, it’s a complicated answer but he doesn’t want to hide anything from you, so he tells you the truth.

“Well, we were last together sometime in the 1870s, I think. I know we were in Chicago, and you died in a fire.” He says quickly before he pauses for a moment before continuing, “We last saw each other was the night of the Stark Expo, you know the night before Bucky shipped out.”

Another heavy awkward silence hangs between you. Steve knew he wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that you and Bucky were once in love, especially since the Smithsonian were in possession of love letters you sent one another during the war and occasionally displayed them during the month of February for Valentine’s Day. Steve saw it one year while he was living in Washington, D.C. it was an entire exhibit dedicated to historical lovers. They played up the tragedy of your story with Bucky, lovers torn apart by the war and each dying young. 

“Does he...ya know, remember me?”

“No, the few times our paths have crossed with Bucky’s, he never remembers and especially with what happened to him while he was a POW…” Steve trails off, he knows there is no need to go into the details of the atrocities Bucky suffered. 

“What about me?”

A sad look flashes on his face, “sometimes you remember, there’s been a few times you’re the one who found me. But the last few times..no.”

You remain sitting on the bench in front of your portrait reminiscing about the past while he holds your hand, Steve tells you stories that have always stayed with him over your lifetimes together, tales of voyages sailed, the places you’ve lived, and history you’ve witnessed. There are tears shed for the friends and loved ones lost over the years, there are also tears of happiness as you fondly remember them. 

Hours quickly pass by and soon a security guard is telling you that the museum is closing, Steve takes your hand as you make your way back to the busy streets of New York. There is an ember of hope in his chest that maybe this time, in this life, you’ll be by his side until the end.


End file.
